I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
