if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
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