So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
It's shark week go big or go home
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
