So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I have fence marks all over my body
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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