omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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