Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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