Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
