it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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