Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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