brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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