I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
