i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
