The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
