Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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