He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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