Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
