News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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