he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Randomize
