she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
