Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
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