Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
