Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
