I met the friendliest cop last night
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
