We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
