I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
