I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
