Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
