My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
