Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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