I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
