My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize
