my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Randomize
