It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Randomize
