please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
