Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
is wine microwaveable?
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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