I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
