i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
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