dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
