I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
