Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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