we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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