i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
