I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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