i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
