You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
