If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Randomize
