She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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