Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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