I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
