Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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