Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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