She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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