My pussy is not your playground.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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